School Sponsored Paternal Torture


When one sits down and attempts to compose a list of torture devices used to inflict pain and suffering, a number of them come immediately to mind. The Iron Maiden (not the old band, but the torture device), Waterboarding, The Rack, and many more have served mean spirited groups and people over the years. Few know, however, that there is one that has been specifically designed for me. It’s a little thing called The Daddy Daughter Dance.

Now before you think that I’m a terrible father who doesn’t want to spend time with his daughter, cool your jets for a second. I love my daughter. I love spending time with my daughter. I just wish it didn’t involve an event that brings about excruciating pain both during and after the event. It is really not my fault, the fault lies clearly with my body.

man in pain this cbs news report about veterans pain and drug ...              Friends of the blog know that I have a pretty bad back…like really bad. Think of experiencing pain with walking and even shifting in a chair. The pain itself is controlled by medicine so it is not that in and of itself that’s the problem. The problem is that due to the condition, physical exercise is pretty much out of the question. This results in paperwork being filed by my back, legs and knees requesting a cease and desist court action whenever I try to do something “out of the ordinary.”

By Chad Shamley / Oct 31, 2005 / / Submit an article             Enter this modern torture event called the Daddy Daughter Dance. As the stereotypical white guy, I’m not hip in terms of dancing. Heck, I had whatever hip I had removed early in my childhood and the hop portion of hip-hop is demonstrated by my monster 3 cm vertical. Yep, I’m terrible and I know it. So you enter a physical liability like mine and, well, you’ve got a good thing in the form of a built-in excuse to be terrible and a bag thing in that everything ends up hurting like hell.

I know what you’re thinking. Just do something else with your daughter. Nope…no can do. I’ve got the Mommy Mandate that I think is legally binding and I’d find myself in serious breach of contract territory if I couldn’t make it.

Some recent research has cropped up about co-playing video games that ...              I just wish there was some other event that didn’t result in pain. How about the Daddy Daughter Board Game Bash? The Daddy Daughter Minecraft Marathon? The Daddy Daughter Star Wars Movie Viewing Extravaganza? Now those events sound like reasonable alternatives and things that we both could enjoy.

Truly though, it makes my daughter happy and that is what is important. And though you might as well ink my name on the disabled list for the rest of the weekend, I’ll enjoy the time I spend with her. I just have to remember to keep my mouth shut around my wife…her patience level for others in pain isn’t exceptionally high so she’ll end up getting mad at me for being in pain. So “uiet-qay ithway the uchoway” for this weekend (that’s “quiet with the ouch talk” for those not well versed in pig-latin).

So…On With The Dance!

Goodbye Moon


I really like the moon: I mean, how could you not? It faithfully tugs and releases the oceans, seas, lakes and rivers to completely wipe out poorly designed sand castles and fools small dumb fish into becoming an easy meal. It also keeps this dumb lump of rock from wobbling out of control making existence quite difficult. So, what’s not to love? Too darn bad it’s going to be leaving us.

Billions and billions of bucks              Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. What the heck is this idiot going on about now? Let’s go back to where it all started. About 4.5 billion (think of Carl Sagan saying “Bwillions and Bwillions”) years ago, this planet about the size of Mars decided it was going to flat out kick the crap out of Earth. Good for us the planet in question had a severe vision problem and couldn’t see that the Earth simply outweighed and out-massed the wannabe Earth-killer.

              So here comes Mr. Planet Bully goes and smashes into Earth. Yeah, it messed us up quite a bit and we lost a large part of our crust, but the main impact caused this interloper to smash into bwillions and bwillions of pieces. After orbiting our planet and sulking like a duck finding out that its mate has been a wooden duck decoy and not the ducky vixen it thought it was, the busted planet finally combined all its broken pieces and became our moon.

What Would the Planet That Smashed Into Earth and Created the Moon ...              The Earth was not about to let things like smashing into its precious crust slip on by, so it made the moon circle the Earth forever and left it in charge of our tides and keeping the planet from wobbling enough on its axis that climates would be crazy and no amount of Dramamine could quell our urge to perpetually vomit. Knowing it had no choice but to fulfill its role, the Moon was allowed some amount of pride in that it became one of the largest moons in our Solar System, which is nice I guess.

              Over time though, Mr. Moon was getting a little bored. It decided to slowly but surely escape the Earth’s grasp so it could continue its jaunt across the solar system. So every year the Moon slowly moves to a wider and wider orbit. How much? Okay, it’s not a lot, and Twilight and Phantom of the Opera fans can continue to write stories and musicals about it for a good long time. It’s only moving away from us at a rate of 3.78cm or 1.48 inches a year (Source bbc.com).

              Like I said, it’s not going to leave us right away. We still have a pretty good amount of time before it leaves us completely, so we can cast Emma Thompson to do some more fake moon landings in the future before people get wise to us. But what will happen when it leaves? Well, the Earth will begin wobbling on its axis so that you’d have ice at the equator, heat waves at the poles and weather changes so severe that it would affect weather forecasters by…well…okay, it wouldn’t affect them at all as their percentage of correctly predicting the weather couldn’t be any more negatively affected than the status quo.

But fear not, dear friends, and take comfort in the fact that before such a catastrophe happens, the sun will have long since gone all kablooey and wiped out the Moon and Earth in one fell swoop. Poor ‘ol Matt Damon will still be on Mars and things will get pretty cold. Good thing he still has a whole bunch of potatoes, right?

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