What’d I miss? Oh…


Okay, I’ve been busy. Where have I been for the last five years or so? I’ve been on a scientific voyage to determine if feeding fruit to jellyfish change their taste. Turns out it doesn’t, and the tentacles still taste like pain.

So did I miss anything? So you elected a Reality TV Star as President, who promptly turned the country into how it was before the Civil War. Not the most brilliant idea, but I recently failed to have an intimate relationship with a sucker fish, so who am I to judge?

I see you all decided to jump on the “let’s all die of a global pandemic” craze. Excellent. But at least everyone is good with wearing mask, right? Oh, so some percent of your citizenry refuse to wear them. Oh well, thin the herd, I suppose. Might be a good time to look into cheap real estate in Florida.

All in all I’m none too pleased. But, we will get through this together and try to make sense of this crazy world. And remember…be good or be good at it!

Freeze! Drop that book!


The world is not safe.  Terrorists are killing people, the planet seems to be warming up, and California has seen fit to NOT fall into the sea as expected.  Surpassing these dangers, however, an issue has been brought to my attention that deeply troubles me…Library Book Theft!

Truth be told, I had forgotten libraries even existed.  I remember a joke (not my joke, though I wish it was) which said that libraries were nothing more than a printed out version of Wikipedia.  This is mostly correct, but apparently people still check out actual books from these places. News to me!

Dr Seuss Images              Enter the Duren family, from Tecumseh Michigan. These spawns of pure evil decided to check out a book for their granddaughter.  Naturally, they chose a “Dr. Seuss” book, knowing it was the gateway to harder books that invariably lead to Hitler’s “Mein Kampf.”  Well, they “forgot” to return the book to the library.

             The library tried to email the family, who clearly cares not for this country or freedom based on their not returning the book, but to no avail.  The book remained in the position of the family, as if to symbolize their contempt of the American Way.

Sure, Catherine and Melvin Duren had little money, were on disability and surviving almost exclusively on social security. And yes, encouraging a young child to read is a good thing.  This does not, however, excuse the fact that they ruthlessly and maliciously refused to return the tome to the library, despite their claims of having thought they already had done so.

Oh yes, they “claim” they have tried to pay the fines that were levied against them for breaking the law.  Having waited too long, however, the completely infallible and all-knowing bureaucratic unit known as the Economic Crimes Unit correctly put an unnecessary and excessive “diversion fee” on top of the fines already applied to the Dr. Seuss book (and another book that was also late).

The Duren Family (now clearly comparable to the Manson Family) were then faced with the fact that they would have to appear in court to face the punishment of clearly attempting to harm the children in the community through withholding a classic childhood book.  They then taunted the police by telling them they could “serve your warrant.”

Guess what? They pled not guilty to larceny.  Can you believe that? They clearly were in possession of the book.  They obviously were trying to defraud the library of this valuable commodity.  They no doubt had their sights set on an escalation path of crimes that start with late book return and end in the abominable and almost-unmentionable crime of jaywalking.

Obviously, this family should not be allowed to continue to live in America.  There is a solution, however.  Didn’t our President just release a number of criminals from Guantanamo Bay? Well good…now we’ve got a place for this family of un-Americans!

 

Source: http://abcnews.go.com/US/michigan-couple-arraigned-larceny-charges-late-library-books/story?id=38426922

 

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