Let’s ride the DC Choo Choo!


Hey, let’s take a trip on the trainamathingy!  Washington D.C. and its surrounding territory. Having lived in this area for most of my life, I’m used to the monuments, freaky weather and sometime freakier inhabitants (wait a minute…does that include me? Probably). Like many of us, I travel to and from work on the Metro…aka subway, train or tram.  I’ve seen a lot of people in my daily trek and I’ve developed a list of the types of people you find on the Metro each day.  Here is the list for those who may be travelling through our humble city.


The Tourist.  Yes, easily the most recognizable of the group. The Tourist is the one with the wide open eyes, full of wonder and often full of questions.  They are most likely to snap a picture and an awful observation at the same time.  These should be avoided as they will more than likely miss their stop and you’ll have to waste a great deal of time helping them not end up in the Anacostia River.


The Prince/Princess.  For these lovely snowflakes, no rules apply.  They want to sit next to a stranger when there are completely open seats? Sure! Want to stand on the left said of the escalator and not walk? By all means. Please regale us with your cell phone conversation with your Poochie Woochie significant other and let us know what you’re having for dinner. Dumbass.


The Land Shark. No, not the Jimmy Buffett fan version. This land shark mimics the [false] believe that if a shark stops swimming it will drown.  In this case, the land shark will probably die the moment he or she stops talking.  They will not stop…ever. Not even to breathe. Quite an accomplishment to behold unless you are the person to whom they are addressing.


The Holy Crap You’re Too Old to Be Out Drinking person.  They’re smelly, they are older than 25, they are…and probably will be for the foreseeable future…hungover.  More than likely found at the back of the train collapsed on a seat. They are holding on for dear life as the train won’t stop spinning and their liver is trying desperately to exit their body through any orifice available.  These people are exceptionally easy to avoid and are not considered a threat as they are more than likely waiting for death to arrive.


Finally, you have the worker. Me.  We’re the Obi-Wan Kenobis of the Metro system.  We’ve seen it all; we’ve heard it all and now…we’d like to be left alone.  If we could head towards Tatooine to avoid the Metro people we would.  We know to stand on the right and walk on the left on an escalator. We know to move our butts once we get down to the end of the escalator and not just stop and look around.  We are the ones with ear buds that secretly are not connected to anything just to avoid unwanted conversation.


Well, there you have it. Your guide to the Metro, Subway, train, tram, thingy in the Washington DC Area.  Now you can successfully identify and possibly tag the types of people that should be avoided. Don’t you feel better now for having that information?


Until next time, Be Good or Be Good At It!

Winter Wonderland



Ah, winter-time. The time when kids get a stolen non-school day and relish the time spent with their family.  Fathers are out shoveling the driveway and seemingly are in good cheer as their children happily toss pure white snowballs in the father’s general direction. Mother is inside preparing Hot Cocoa and preparing the dryer to receive the returning snow bunnies’ wet clothing. Oh I can just hear Bing Crosby singing something with his dulcet tones.

Well, okay, Norman Rockwell is dead, and perhaps the only semblance of the bygone family perception lies within retro Coca-Cola commercials…you know, the ones with the cute cuddly polar bear family sharing a Coke…the one where they cut the cameral feed shortly before the bears drop the Coke and disembowel the camera crew for food?  Well, this is the 2012 people. Welcome to reality.

It snowed in Northern Virginia (my home) recently. Not Montana Snow, where it doesn’t count as a snow event unless there is a legitimate Woolly Mammoth sighting.   It snowed about a foot and people lost their minds.  People were abandoning their cars; even while they were parked inside a garage.  Mothers were handing babies out of windows to snow plow drivers and telling them to take their baby to safety and raise them right.  People raided stores and bought everything…everything people! Not just all canned goods and toilet paper off the shelves, but even the shelves themselves…presumably for a time when metal shelves become currency in the new Ice Age.

Admittedly I was no better. I was out shoveling the driveway and cursing all known and even some unknown deities and vowing to move to a place where there is no snow…Hell presumably.  Now, I have a bad back…which is saying quite a bit as I don’t have a good front, top, bottom or middle either. So every time I shoveled a large helping of snow, I stood there waiting for a pop; not entirely dissimilar to WWII submarine crews waiting for a depth charge to explode.

Luckily, nothing happened and I remain unhurt. My main question to everyone is have we changed so much as a society that an inch or two of snow can bring about conditions similar to the Donner Party?

Until next time,

Be Good Or Be Good At It!

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