Tooth Delay


I have to admit something to you…I’m not really a great practitioner of dental hygiene.

To be honest, I expect divorce papers to be served upon me by my teeth, especially my left molar, which never really liked me anyway. So I finally went to the dentist today for a cleaning. I’ve got some thoughts…

I think its really great that dentist now have television sets you can watch while you are in the torture…er…dentist chair. I just would like to know if they are physically capable of having anything on said television set EXCEPT the Property Brothers. I don’t have anything against them personally, but they really make me look bad in just about every category. They keep themselves fit, they have great teeth, and are infinitely better with tools than myself, who views tools as something that should only be present on a menu bar of a computer screen…well I’ll be damned, there’s one now. Hi Tools menu, you look great today.

Before I left for the dentist, I did what every hot blooded American male does…I brushed my teeth to fool the dentist into thinking that I’ve been adept at brushing and to fool myself into thinking that years of outright dental neglect could be remedied by a REALLY good scrubbing. I failed on both counts.

As I was sitting there while this nice lady was cleaning my teeth like a veterinarian would be cleaning a chimp’s mouth, I began to realize that I was a suction tool (there’s that word again) away from being waterboarded. Is that even legal? She kept asking me questions as she gleefully sprayed more and more water into my mouth. Three tooth scalings in, I was ready to admit that I do indeed leave the toilet seat up when I use it or that it made more sense to have the toilet paper roll from the bottom rather than from the top (which is definitely an outright lie).

But my ordeal is nearly done. Once the filth coming out of my mouth exceeds the amount of filth residing in my mouth, I’ll be ready to resume my strenuous disregard for oral hygiene.

What do you think, am I aiming too low? And I mean in my thoughts about dental health…not in the whole leaving the toilet seat up thing.

Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

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