Freeze! Drop that book!

The world is not safe.  Terrorists are killing people, the planet seems to be warming up, and California has seen fit to NOT fall into the sea as expected.  Surpassing these dangers, however, an issue has been brought to my attention that deeply troubles me…Library Book Theft!

Truth be told, I had forgotten libraries even existed.  I remember a joke (not my joke, though I wish it was) which said that libraries were nothing more than a printed out version of Wikipedia.  This is mostly correct, but apparently people still check out actual books from these places. News to me!

Dr Seuss Images              Enter the Duren family, from Tecumseh Michigan. These spawns of pure evil decided to check out a book for their granddaughter.  Naturally, they chose a “Dr. Seuss” book, knowing it was the gateway to harder books that invariably lead to Hitler’s “Mein Kampf.”  Well, they “forgot” to return the book to the library.

             The library tried to email the family, who clearly cares not for this country or freedom based on their not returning the book, but to no avail.  The book remained in the position of the family, as if to symbolize their contempt of the American Way.

Sure, Catherine and Melvin Duren had little money, were on disability and surviving almost exclusively on social security. And yes, encouraging a young child to read is a good thing.  This does not, however, excuse the fact that they ruthlessly and maliciously refused to return the tome to the library, despite their claims of having thought they already had done so.

Oh yes, they “claim” they have tried to pay the fines that were levied against them for breaking the law.  Having waited too long, however, the completely infallible and all-knowing bureaucratic unit known as the Economic Crimes Unit correctly put an unnecessary and excessive “diversion fee” on top of the fines already applied to the Dr. Seuss book (and another book that was also late).

The Duren Family (now clearly comparable to the Manson Family) were then faced with the fact that they would have to appear in court to face the punishment of clearly attempting to harm the children in the community through withholding a classic childhood book.  They then taunted the police by telling them they could “serve your warrant.”

Guess what? They pled not guilty to larceny.  Can you believe that? They clearly were in possession of the book.  They obviously were trying to defraud the library of this valuable commodity.  They no doubt had their sights set on an escalation path of crimes that start with late book return and end in the abominable and almost-unmentionable crime of jaywalking.

Obviously, this family should not be allowed to continue to live in America.  There is a solution, however.  Didn’t our President just release a number of criminals from Guantanamo Bay? Well good…now we’ve got a place for this family of un-Americans!




Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: