Here we are mere days from Christmas and, for some of you, there are people in your lives for whom you flat out forgot to buy a gift. It’s okay; they probably are so far down on your list of family and friends that you are almost inclined to simply let it pass and maybe they’ll come to the realization that they simply aren’t that important to you. Then you think that, no, it’s Christmas so you’ll think of a gift that speaks to their true needs and your thought of them as a person.
Enter the Netflix Wine Socks. Technically they don’t exist…yet. But fear not you goofy gift givers, Netflix has published instructions for how to make your drunken dreams of boozy bookmarks a reality. What do these things do? Well, these podiatric monstrosities are designed to allow the viewer to automatically turn off, or more correctly pause, Netflix when special sensors located within the socks sense that you have fallen asleep. It then triggers the pause button on Netflix so as to allow you to not miss the truly riveting programming Netflix is providing.
Think this is just a tool for those tired and prone to falling asleep, and not an alcoholic accessory? Nope, you can even stitch huge wine glass patterns and categories of your favorite wine within the design. Simply follow the Netflix-provided knitting pattern and you can remove any doubt as to the use for these robo-socks.
What kind of message does the giver of Netflix Wine Socks send to the receiver of said socks? What other message can it send other than “I recognize your alcoholism and your tendency to pass out while watching TV, so I’ve knitted these socks so as to allow you to drink yourself into unconsciousness without fear of missing a single moment of House of Cards.”
And should you receive a homemade pair of these drunk-socks, you can only believe that the giver doesn’t care enough for you to stage some sort of intervention, but instead offers a tangible representation of his or her support of your crippling alcoholism. “Yes, I know that my life has spiraled out of control to the point where my ability to fall asleep depends entirely on the large amounts of alcohol in my system and my necessity to binge watch Orange is the New Black while burping up varying amounts of Pinot Noirs and Cabernets. Thank you, dear friend.”
So remember, dear friends, that your choice of gift not only tells the recipient what you think of them, but also that you don’t care enough to provide substantive assistance where it counts. But who cares? They’ll probably be too drunk to understand it anyhow, right?
Merry Christmas Everyone!