According to the U.S. Geological Survey, seventy-one percent of the Earth is covered in water. Because of this fact, any superpower in the world would have to be darn sure they establish and maintain a high level of marine dominance. Billions of dollars are spent to make sure the good ‘ol US of A has the most powerful navy in the world. Sometime, though, mistakes happen.
Enter the USS Milwaukee, The United States Navy Freedom-class Littoral Combat Ship, or for those like me that are not naval linguistically inclined, the United States Navy Baddass Big Boat That Makes Things Die While It Is Close To Shore. Built by Marinette Marine, this vessel was intended to represent the glorious history of the city of Milwaukee, largely known for bringing us a sub-par baseball team and the residence of the fictitious Laverne and Shirley. Top tier stuff, to be sure.
The ship was commissioned just last month suffered “a complete loss of propulsion,” which means the sucker up and died in the middle of the ocean. You’d think they would be able to get it working again with some sort of bubblegum and MacGyver sort of combination, but sadly it could not. It instead suffered the embarrassing fate of being towed back to port, which sailors tell me is something that is more embarrassing than finding your name on the list of those being considered to be Steve Sarkisian’s AA sponsor.
I can only imagine the skipper had previously been drinking with his boat buddies and bragging that his ship could fly into heroic combat while the other ships have to be out to sea and unable to offer the GI Joe bang bang shoot-em-ups that he could. The farewell sendoff probably sent goose pimples up and down the arms of the crew when they departed for their naval adventures. Wives and girlfriends waving tearfully goodbye, banners being flown and inspiring patriotic music being played during the whole thing.
I am sure that trip back to port was filled with much mirth and glee. No fancy music, no banners and wives and girlfriends too busy at work or home to make the trip to the pier. Just imagine the mood of the officers on that return trip, being forced to go through the monotonous drills and cleaning operations while still seeing that tow cable at the front of their sad, busted floating tub. Those dinners with the captain wouldn’t have been too glorious, either. “So, what’d you do today, Skipper?” “Nothing much…just watched McHale’s Navy for the eightieth time and still think Tom Arnold is a tour-de-force in it. Working on my humiliating speech I have to give when we hit shore, contemplating becoming a spy solely for the ability to obtain a Cyanide tablet, put it in my mouth and bite down really hard. You?”
So as you are reeding this deer reeder, and come akross any speling errorrs, just remumber, this wuz mayde in teh USA!