Well fellow parents, the day that was long anticipated, but took its darn time coming, has finally arrived. Our respective little financial dependents are back to school. Aside from the sheer joy experienced from having seven or so hours of tax-paid daycare (because really, that’s what you see it as), there is also the sickening feeling that the little child that will someday be responsible for putting you into a retirement home is now a year older.
You’ve read and re-read the student supply lists that include everything from pencils to calculators to an extensive supply of glue sticks and markers and have spent the requisite thousands of dollars required to outfit the one who will soon be stealing your car keys to go to a friend’s house late at night without your knowledge. She brought home the notification from the school that includes a link and instructions to allow you to log into your little bundle of joy’s school account and make sure she’s attending class and doing what is expected of her. You’re all set for the modern interpretation of George Orwell’s 1984. Congratulations, you’re Big Brother.
You have also set her up with an expense account in the cafeteria that will allow the one who will one day come home with a piercing you don’t approve of to eat food that you only remember as being damn good when you were her age. Those Tater Tots and French Bread Pizza was especially yummy. Now I’m sure it’s been all “healthified” so she’s basically eating tofu topped with sawdust with some sort of fruit wedge that would make Adam willingly choose to leave Eden.
And lest not we forget that you’ve freed up a large part of your evenings since upon reaching grade five, the limit of your memory and the fact that, in reality, the bulk of what you learned in school is utterly meaningless in your daily life, you can no longer be of any help as a tutor to the one responsible who will be responsible for getting you to meet with a teacher in a classroom filled with seats that you can no longer use due to a crippling back condition. Thank God YouTube is here to take care of teaching stuff like negative numbers and that theory by Pythagoras that states that A squared plus B squared equals Whatever-the-Hell that was…squared.
So congratulations to all my fellow parents out there. We’ve made it through another summer and the State is back in control. Why does that not make me feel any better?