Well, after an exhausting trip using boats, planes, even a short train ride, my family and I have arrived to our beloved Birubegja. It bring me no small amount of sadness to report to you that something is terribly wrong here.
First off, there appears to be a problem with the sun. The sweet and lovable ball of ignited hydrogen and helium seems to have strengthened in the last ten years since we were last here. At one moment I was fine, albeit whiter than Antarctica in February. I stepped outside and immediately developed a sunburn that made me look like a cartoon pig roasting on a spit. I blame Reagan.
Next I have discovered that some serious seismic activity must have occurred in my absence. There are mountains here that, by my recollection, were simply not here when last I strolled among the beautiful roads and paths that fill so many of my memories. I can only assume that we humans have done some devastating harm to the environment here and that I, personally am responsible. I shall check around for some environmental interest group spreading guilt and shame to find out what exactly we did. I blame George Bush.
It’s not just the land that I suspect has suffered some catastrophe. I believe there is some gas leak, perhaps Radon, that is affecting my patience level. Obviously it can’t be me, but this leak of something seems to make me believe I’m constantly being annoyed by things that normally don’t bother me. It’s affecting my speech, too. I am saying all the wrong things at wrong times and it is getting me into trouble. I blame Obama.
Clearly something must be done to restore order here and I, as your El Presidente, shall do my best to do just that. I am sensing the vacation is on the upswing, however. We shall all head to the beach today where I will assess firsthand any damage we human have done to the environments of resting on the beach, swimming without a care, and applying copious levels of alcohol to augment the experience. After all, it’s the least I can do, right?
Oh, and I blame Clinton…for what I haven’t decided yet.
