I was sitting on the train when the news bulletin hit my phone. Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner. I gave the news a shrug and moved on to more interesting things, such as irritated fowls, sports scores or video game news. The understanding that Bruce was now Caitlyn came easily and it was rapidly accepted by my feeble brain before moving on to more interesting things.
Then the world went nuts.
CNN began its instant deification offerings to Caitlyn, claiming that not only was this an intensely brave and heroic thing for her to do, but that she also succeeded in curing cancer, locating flight MH370 and saving all aboard, and discovering why linguists created the word hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia to describe the fear of big words.
Fox News reported that once the announcement had been made of the transformation Rapture had been abruptly cancelled, the universe had ceased to expand and began to contract, and Lindsay Lohan signed on as the new Director of the National Institute of Health. Not only was this the biggest slight to America since Colin Montgomerie insulted American golf fans, but it was in the running for the top act that would bring about the apocalypse.
As for me, the news, while interesting for about two seconds, is the kind of news that just screamed to be quickly forgotten. I couldn’t begin to describe the level at which I didn’t care of this event. So Bruce is now Caitlyn, fine, I wish you joy in your life, go forth and live the rest of your days in happiness. But I mean go forth…not shove your mug in every picture I see when opening up Yahoo, not make a brand new mind-numbing reality show, not become the center of public attention and make it the “All About Me” show. I mean go forth…as in away.
I know, I know, you’re probably thinking that I am being an insensitive clod: I’m really not. I don’t resent her for her decision. I’m not placing any sort of judgment on her for taking the steps he did to become a she. I just don’t want to hear any more about it. I want to correctly say that I’ve seen more pictures of my wife in almost 12 years of marriage than the number of pictures (albeit the same one) of Caitlyn Jenner over the past few weeks. Sadly I can’t make such a statement because that darn Vanity Fair picture is everywhere.
So to Caitlyn Jenner, I’m glad you’re happy and I wish you joy, but to quote the old bar saying, “You don’t have to go home, you just have to get the heck up outta here!”