Toilet Paper Revisited

For the last time…UNDER is better!


I really thought we were past this. I believed with all my heart that we, as a civilization, had moved past the archaic notion of installing toilet paper in such a way to unroll from the top. I thought that as we sit on the precipice of launching manned missions to Mars that we understood the concepts that allowed us to move past apes on the evolutionary ladder. Sadly, it appears I was wrong. The other day, my wife posted on my Facebook page that the person who filed the patent for toilet paper (Seth Wheeler, Patent No. 465588) did so with the toilet paper locked in the OVER position. So I must again address this issue I first did in the very first edition of Be Good or Be Good At It! (see the April 22nd 2014 edition). Well, here we go again…


Trust Dr. Kaku…he’s a scientist!

Renowned physicist and media junkie Dr. Michio Kaku has this to say about gravity… “Gravity sucks.” And he’s absolutely right. Take Black Holes, for instance. The gravity of a black hole is so immense that if you were being sucked into one feet first, your feet would be torn from your body due to your feet being closer to the source of gravity than your head. The same is true with toilet paper. From the UNDER position, the toilet paper you want to use is closer (albeit by centimeters to an inch) to the earth than the toilet paper that is at the top of the roll. So tearing it from the bottom is easier with the help of gravity. Ain’t science great?


Accidental Over-rolls

This is what happens with the OVER position

              So you are sitting on the throne and you reach over with your one hand to roll off some toilet paper. In the UNDER position, the piece is already hanging down there on the roll and is waiting to make you all nice and tidy. The OVER position forces the toilet paper to be lying on top of the other paper on the roll. You have to tap it and roll it over a couple of times to achieve handhold on the single layer of toilet paper you need. Feeling impatient? You slap the roll a couple of times to loosen up the plies and Whamo! Toilet paper spinning off the roll like a soft-serve ice cream dispenser locked into the dispense position.


Welcoming TP?

Welcome…let me wipe for you.

The other argument I face is the belief that the OVER position represents the “Welcoming Position” of the toilet paper. My wife told me this once and I immediately headed out to buy Radon detectors for our basement. Look, I am at the very bottom of the totem pole of social graces. I wouldn’t know proper etiquette if it walked up to me and slapped me in the face, but I absolutely deny that one feels complete unease in someone’s house until he or she sees the toilet paper welcoming them in the OVER position. The only way I’d feel welcome in that situation would be if the owner of the house stepped forward and offered to do the job of the toilet paper herself, and upon reflection, revolting would be a more proper term than welcoming. But sure, if you want to believe that the OVER is the welcoming position, we should just pack up our things and head back to the caves from which we’ve come. Hey, I’ll lead the way!


So here we are. We’ve got scientific and practical proof that the UNDER position is the logical and correct way to position the toilet paper. Can we please put this issue to rest? I’ll be glad to entertain logical explanations for the OVER position, but it’ll take a lot to prove to me the OVER position is superior. Feelin’ Lucky?




Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

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