No, this is not an article about a particular parent’s anatomy, though admittedly that would attract quite a few curious readers. Rather, this is an attempt to identify and classify the zoological nightmare that is on display at any Youth Sports League game. We’ve seen the collection of parents on the sidelines; either doing nothing, making genuine asses of themselves, or somewhere in between. Thankfully, the parents can be classified in the following categories:
The Zombie Parents: These are the parents who sit in their chairs and stare off into space while the kids are playing their hearts out. This class can be misunderstood. On the one hand, you see them and believe they don’t care at all about their child and are just waiting for it to be over. On the other hand, they may be taking notes in their heads and will relay the accumulated wisdom back to the child upon completion of the game. Or they are real zombies, in which case the child has my condolences but am safe due to my lack of juicy, tasty, braaaaiiiiinnnnnssss.
The Koresh Contingent: Named after the cult leader David Koresh, these parents display almost maniacal devotion to the team on which their overly-pampered perfect little snowflake to the point where the parents themselves wear home-made t-shirts displaying the team name or kids name prominently, create little cheers for the team, or even just start barking for no apparent reason at a game. Here they take the idea of being supportive (good thing) and pervert it into an object to which one must pledge their undying loyalty and support lest the offender receives ridicule and no lunch on the way home from the game (bad thing).
The X-Files Parent: Those of us old enough to remember the weird, Sci-Fi show X-Files know that it was a show that basically saw conspiracies everywhere. This type of parent is convinced, no…deadest certain…that the coach is purposely not getting the ball/puck/lawn dart, etc., to his or her special little miracle. See, it all stems back from that one time two years ago, when Coach Donny didn’t care of a joke that Parent Jimmy told. Now Coach Donny has made sure that never…no…never! Will little Betsy have any glory on the team…ever! Complete and utter horse droppings to be sure, but these types of parents believe it like they believe the moon landing (which totally was staged out in the desert in 1969…kidding).
The Power Plant Parent: I have to admit that, in general, this is the category in which I fall. The Triple-P sees the physical activity involved and sits there quietly calculating just how many calories the son or daughter is burning and how much rest will be required to bring that child up to full capacity. The PPP knows how energetic their child is and is trusting that the level of exertion demonstrated by the child will be directly proportional to the amount of peace and quiet the parent will experience for the rest of the day after the game. Yes, we tend to argue about playing time, but at least now you know why!
Now you know the type of sports parent I am. How about you? In which category do you fit?