I Vant to Suck Your Blooood!


vampire
Let me introduce myself. I am…Alanacula. (Source: fanpop.com)

I am starting to believe I may be a vampire. No, not one of the attractive ones from movies that young girls watch nowadays, but more like the Bram Stoker variety. Here’s why…

  1. I eat my steak rare…really rare: Yes, it’s true. When I find myself at a restaurant that serves steak, I inevitably order it and request that it be cooked “still quivering.”
  2. Not really an outdoor kind of guy: Given the choice, yes, I’d rather be inside, preferably playing video games or watching TV. Perhaps it’s not a matter of just being lazy, but perchance the level of undiagnosed vampirism prohibits prolonged exposure to the sun for fear of actually turning to dust and ceasing to be.
  3. I have no reflection: Okay, this one takes a little explanation…I used to have a reflection, a not-so-bad reflection, to be honest. But as I’ve gotten older, I think that reflection has disappeared in favor of picture of a model for various “Big and Tall” stores. Nearest that I can figure, once the vampirism took over, whoever hands out figurative ID card for vampires simply replaced my image with that of someone least likely to arouse suspicion…or anything else.
  4. Pale skin color: Yep, most definitely. Sure, some of you might say this is directly related to not spending time enough in the sun, and it’s not a bad idea. Only I know that truth that all of my blood was drained somehow as I was sleeping and replaced with the syrup found in red colored Flav-O-Ice unfrozen Popsicles.
  5. I sleep in a coffin: Well, alright, not literally in a coffin, but the way I figure it, I have my setting on the ‘ol Sleep Number Bed, pretty high so that a firm mattress counts as coffin sleep, yes?

How about you? Any fellow monsters out there?

 

Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

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