Dear Santa,
How goes, Santa? How’s the wife? Rudolph still doing well and hasn’t come down with some sort of radiation poisoning that is the only proper explanation for a glowing nose? Alright, well, good. Enough chit chat. Let’s get down to business.
If you don’t mind my asking, what is your return policy? I mean, yes, you provided things for which I was asking, but trusting my judgment to make proper requests just isn’t, in general, a wise policy. Specifically, I’d like to return the request to grow up. Sure, as a kid I wished that I was grown up so I could do grown up things like driving and flying airplanes and such. But I received no E-mail (Elf-Mail) from you outlining exactly what that request meant. You know, the body breaking down, the mind starting to develop cobwebs where synapses once fired at rapid succession. I was not informed of any of this.
And my request to you to arrange it that I’d have a home of my own in which to raise a family? Well, forgive me for saying so, but granting that request was just very poor judgment on your part. You know darn well that I’m about as handy glass of water on a sinking ship. Sure, it’s great to come home and greet my wife and child after a long day at work, but there always seems to be something wrong and it’s remarkably similar to everything else that goes wrong, namely that I know I can’t fix it and it will require someone else to fix the problem.
Since we’re on the subject of work, I seem to remember writing you and requesting that I have a job that was fun and rewarding and made me look forward to waking up each day. Look, I know we’ve all got problems, but was this request accepted during your “Egg Nog and Mulled Wine Days?” Not that I have a problem with you imbibing to take the edge off, but you really blew this one. Sure, I’m lucky enough to have a job, but I have yet to find the room in our building where unicorns are playing video games with leprechauns, or the trampoline testing room, or even the comfy chair simulator.
I know, I know, I am looking a gift-elf in the mouth, here, but I’m afraid there are some things for which I need a refund…or at least some Santa Credit I could spend on something else. Here’s one…how about I turn in that HeMan Snake Mountain toy (which was never as good as Castle Grayskull) in exchange for people stop lopping off other people’s heads? What would you give me for this old Lobo II remote control car? Maybe people stop being so stupid? Here’s this copy of ET the Video Game. Could I trade this in for a body that doesn’t age, or maybe the inability of the young to make stupid decisions?
Finally, can I please trade in this stupid Voltron Vehicle Force toy in exchange for my being able to adequately thank everyone for putting up with my ramblings throughout the time I’ve been doing these articles and stories? Now that’s one thing that would be used to its fullest.
So, Santa, please grant me that one wish that I have and we’ll call it even. I’m going to be taking the rest of the year off, but will be returning with all new Friday Favorites and Birubegja Chronicles in early January…I warn you, things are going to go haywire on our beloved Birubegja…just you wait and see.
Thanks everyone, and I hope everyone’s Christmas is as enjoyable as it possibly can be. However you celebrate this season, just remember to…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
