Whose idea was it to have this meeting? I have things to do today; actual work things I need to get done. Do you not realize that putting a meeting on my calendar means I have to stop doing what I’m doing, acknowledge the meeting and then spend a half hour even trying to remember what the heck your vague meeting description is about. This is a great example of a misuse of time, and I hold you directly responsible.
And just want do you expect to be accomplished at this little meeting of the minds, huh? Oh sure, we’ll all sit in a circle and sip our overpriced coffee or guzzle our bottled water, nod our heads at poignant points that take seven minutes to sit and listen to when a simple email would have easily done the job. But I do understand the fact that only by scheduling and attending meetings do you find some level of self-worth so I am happy to help you in this regard. But an hour? Come now, I will tell you you’re a good person for fifteen minutes and you can feel all warm and fuzzy about yourself.
What is this meeting agenda? Look, I’m very impressed that you were able to convince the CEO that you are in need of, nay deserving of, an intern. No doubt this was accomplished by having a series of meetings, but please don’t fill up my calendar with these wastes of time only as an excuse to have him or her write up some useless agenda that won’t be covered anyway.
What do you call this thing besides the little dot, huh? Oh yes, I believe the term you use is “Action Item.” Look, that sounds great and almost a little like something that should appear in a Batman comic, but if you need something from me, just send me a darn email and let’s just forget this whole “meeting” idea ever existed, okay?
Did I ever tell you the origin of the word “meeting?” It comes from the ancient Sanskrit word meaning “meating,” which was used to describe what would occur when a Tyrannosaurus Rex would discover a bunch of cavemen…sorry, cavepeople…no, I retract that, I mean cavemen because cavewomen would be smart enough to know not to group together when a T-Rex is near…sitting around a big stone table. They would nod their heads to and fro, make grunting noises, and accomplish nothing, save for updating all those assembled that another of the meeting attendants had been eaten. “Oh, there goes, Gronk! Intern, please cancel my meeting with him later today. Intern? Oh, that pile of non-tasty human bits is you. Sir, I need another Intern!”
So, look. I respect you. You’re a smart person, really. I just don’t need to sit with you around a table and hear remarks made up entirely of buzzwords and inspirational quips I’ll forget about in less time than it takes for me to get back to my desk. Now, have your meeting, just without me. I am very busy today. I have to prepare for an after-hours meeting with my boss at home: my wife. She told me she was most displeased at my lack of progress. Come to think of it…can I have an intern?
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