Having reached the ripe old age of 39 on Saturday, still the mental equivalent of a person of 12 years of age of course, you tend to realize certain things. Oh, indeed, we all know that life isn’t fair. Even a cursory look of many of today’s celebrities can tell the tale of just how unfair life truly is. No, I’m talking about how things you used to do in your youth now require much more effort and are increasingly difficult to accomplish. These range from things such as running a fair distance, lifting something that is moderately heavy, or simply getting out of bed. So now, as a video game fan, I think we should be rewarded in proportion to our age. Enter…the trophy system.
Sure, Sony has the trophy system, and Microsoft has the Accomplishments system, so I want to take those things and adapt them to a person of my age and broken body (to say nothing of impaired mind). I mean, we video game geeks love the sound of our receiving awards, right? Here are a few examples:
Laced With Excellence Accomplishment
Look, we know that you have had the same pair of tennis shoes for the past ten years, and that’s okay. But somehow over the years tying those shoes seemed to become more difficult. As everyone is aware, of course, this is due to the presence of sun spots in the general area of Neptune, and not because of your expanding waistline, so you get some gamer points for being able to tie your shoes.
Easy Listening Superstar Trophy
Now that we’ve reached somewhat middle age, it’s depressing to find all your hard rock songs on the easy listening radio station. But with this gamer trophy, you can say with pride that you’ve sung the words to “Stairway to Heaven” on the elevator.
Sherlock Holmes Hair Locator Accomplishment
Ah, nature. The wonder of the Niagara Falls and the awe-inspiring sights of the Rock of Gibraltar makes people swoon, but it’s the sense of humor nature has to mess with your body without your permission. I discovered this when, as some sort of masochistic fervor, I decided to look in the mirror. Not only was I horrified by the sight of the mass of cells clumsily put together to form my body, but a single gray hair was sticking out of my nose. It extended to the top of my lip and appeared to have been there for some time. The least I deserve is some gamer points for this.
Time Warp Memory Trophy
We’ve heard the phrase ‘seems like only yesterday.’ When we were younger we thought it was just a dumb saying for someone losing their mind. Now that I found its true meaning, we don’t know how right we were. But not just for dumb people. No, I went on a pilgrimage to Dairy Queen to find a Nerds Blizzard, which is the single most gratifying invention in the history of mankind. I mean, it was only yesterday when I tasted its crunchy sweet goodness. Alas, I ventured to Dairy Queen, which someone moved from its previous location, and was greeting by a younger person who checked with her manager when I asked for the Nerds Blizzard, as it was accidentally, it seems, left of the menu. I was mortified when I discovered they haven’t served that particular item for at least twenty years. Trophy, please!
These are, of course, just some of the examples of my getting older and the realization that my cells are just going to continue to decay along with my ability to intelligently communicate. What about you? What things are you finding out about the human existence as you get older?
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