Really Bad Weekend!


sad1Well, here it is Monday. I had hoped to avoid it, but lo and behold, it’s back again. And boy, did I have a terrible weekend. It all started on Friday evening when I got home. I usually like to grab the lawn mower and start mowing the lawn while yelling to the top of my lungs how upset I am with the current state of…well, everything.

sink1So I go pull the starter rope and the darn mower starts coughing up more smoke than Snoop Lion on a three-day weekend. So I start mumbling and realize that I need oil for the engine. Not having any, because that would make this a very short article, I drive to the local gas station and buy some oil. I start the five-minute trip back home and, yup, you guessed it…sinkhole.

I was just sitting in my car and the earth below me opened up and swallowed my car up without a single belch. So naturally I fell with the car and died. I got better though and noticed that I had fallen to the depth of the Precambrian era and I quickly surmised that electricity had not been invented yet…well, captured yet as you can’t really invent electricity as it’s pretty much already there.

gas1Being in the dark, I grab a rag and a large tube I keep in the car in case I drive into the ocean and need a snorkel (Don’t you hate it when that happens? I do) and syphon out some gas. I make a torch and realize I didn’t clean my hands and, of course, my hands burn to a crisp and fall off. By this time I should be showing and anticipating my first cocktail, but nope, I’m wandering the subterranean level of the earth looking for a way out.

batI pass some rather surprised looking bats who quickly swarm toward my hair as I stumble in an effort to duck and break both my ankles. Well, I am able to crawl with my stubs and broken ankle into an extensive cave system and begin to notice I’m ascending. That’s a good thing, right? Nope, some tourists are on a school trip with their kids and notice see me coming out of the cave. Well, they start screaming and yelling and chase down a park ranger who promptly shoots me with a rather painful gun. Now, now, that’s not fair. The gun is a perfectly acceptable weapon. It’s not painful. Rather it’s the bullet traveling at extreme velocity and striking me that is painful.

Naturally I died again, but got better enough to find myself to a road. Not able to flag down a car due to my thumbs being burned off from my now-nonexistent hands, I just sit there and look pitiful (an art I’ve mastered over the years) until a car stopped and the driver gave me a ride back to my house. I get cleaned up, grab a new pair of hands and mend my broken ankles. I then sit down and ask my wife for a drink of bourbon. She shrugs and informs me that we are out of bourbon.

empty1Damn.

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Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

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