Look, I’ve tried to enjoy baseball. I’ve watched it, read about it, listened to radio shows about it, even participated in a fantasy baseball league. But I’m afraid I must make the call…Baseball is no longer America’s National Pastime. We all know football, and I’m not talking about soccer, is the sport that makes Americans salivate and behave like Pavlov’s dog when they know its about to be broadcasted. Baseball is boring and it’s not getting any more exciting.
Fear not, however, as I’m not one of those naysayers who just insult baseball and don’t have a plan to get things back on track. So, to Rob Manfred, the newly elected M.L.B. Commissioner, I have the following ideas to capture the interest of America again:
1. Legalize Steroids: Not only that, but I want people fined for not shooting up prior to games. We need WWE Superstars out there hitting the heck out of the ball. I want to have bunts going four hundred feet.
2. Icy Hot in players cups: Yes, I’ve seen the prank videos. They are all funny. No permanent damage, but we need to see a MLB player jump up and down when the frigid cold and intense heat reach the players’ nether regions.
3. Intense home plate action: Not only do I want collisions allowed at home plate, but I want players on the shoulders of other players and jousting with each other on the way from third base to home plate.
4. Pitchers must do the “bat spin” until dizzy prior to taking the mound: You know the old trick of putting your head on the end of a bat and then spinning around until you are dizzy and then trying to run a straight line? We’re going to need pitchers doing that before every inning just to ensure you never know where the next pitch is going to end up.
5. Equalize the imbalance of pitchers throwing at hitters: The way I see it, pitchers use their tool…the baseball…to attack a batter’s head and have no retaliation. Now, under the new Reese Rules, batter are allowed to use their tool…the baseball BAT…to swing at pitchers’ heads to even up the odds.
6. Umpire executions: Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh so I’m willing to settle with the old Saudi Arabian punishment techniques. You make a bad call? That’ll cost a finger. Another? Another finger…and so on. This will ensure that we’ll know instantly the difference between a good umpire and a lousy one.
Well, there you have it, Commissioner Manfred. You make these changes and you’ll find the popularity of baseball will soar like it did before…you know…in the good ‘ol days? And don’t try to thank me either. I’m simply trying to…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
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