Well, I was nearly possessed by demons over the weekend. No, I’m not talking about your run of the mill demons people face like drug use, smoking, alcohol, or sticking one’s face in a fan. I mean genuine, head turning, backward worm walking, and pea soup spewing demonic possession. Were it not for a lucky flash of logic, I’d be speaking in Latin and reading this articles would be a lot more difficult.
My wife and daughter are still out of town, so I decided to actually stay in bed and watch movies. One of the movies I watched actually scared me out of what is left of my wits…The Exorcism of Emily Rose. While mostly a courtroom drama, this movie scared me like Miley Cyrus at an STD testing facility. I won’t go into the details in case you haven’t seen it, but I will tell you that all the scary bits happened at what is called “The Witching Hour,” or 3 a.m.
The whole idea of 3 a.m. being the time where demons come out and play comes from the idea that Jesus was crucified at 3 p.m. (on Friday the 13th, which is why it’s a no-no scary date, btw…in superstitious minds), and so why not say ‘ol Devil guy and his minions throw a big party every 3 a.m. since they are diametrically opposed to Jesus.
Long story short, there I am, there I am the next morning at 3 am, huddled inside my newly constructed (and fully armed and operational…okay, Star Wars reference) fort in my bed. The cat makes a noise, I scream like a little girl and put my head under the covers as if fabric somehow is a force field against the agents of evil. A tree branch rubs against the side of the house and I start quoting scripture…okay, not really as I’m not religious at all so I end up using words like “Thou, Beget, Hath, Commands and Unto,” hoping the Harbingers of Hell just hear the words and assume I’m an honest to goodness priest and just go away.
Then, logic hits me. Wait a second…if 3 a.m. is the time when demons come out to play, what time zone is that in? I mean, whatever time zone it is, chances are it’s not in the one in which I currently reside. If demonic playtime is limited to that one hour, could that mean at 3 a.m. in England? Alaska? Calcutta? Even Birubegja?
And what about Daylight Savings Time? Surely the demons kids had to help work in the demon fields during the summer when they were not in demon school, so they had to apply Daylight Saving Time like we do. It became clear to me that I was being downright selfish. Why, in all the world and perhaps even planets in the universe, would demons adopt the time zone I’m in and decide that tonight, we go after my soul?
So I survived the night of terror the almost certainly was scheduled to befall me. But, thanks to logic and probably the bureaucrats that decided we should all live in time zones, I am…relatively…demon free to continue trying to…
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