Alright, for those who have been with us since the beginning you know I’m a pessimist. In fact, I am optimistic that I am the most pessimistic pessimist since Eeyore marched around in the Hundred Acre Wood thanking everyone for even noticing him. So, after seeing news about everything happening in the world, I’m afraid I just have to throw up my hands and admit defeat.
Yep, enough death and destruction, enough sports teams coming up short, enough of all the (failed, in my case) efforts to get us to stop eating human food and dedicate our palates to eating tofu and soybean hamburgers. So, it is some sadness but no degree of regret that I decided to sit down with one of the higher-ups in the group that will become our Gloriously Superior Overlords. I speak of none other than the Xafriaf Nievili from the planet Terces.
Alan: Overlord Nievili, what made your superior species decide to finally begin operations to take over our puny civilization?
Nievili: Idiot Alan, we have monitored your sorry excuse for water containers through radio, television and the Internet, and we can no longer abide by your culture’s miserable existence. While I am not at liberty to identify all of the issues that surrounded our decision, I can clue you in with one word…Kardashians.
Nievili: What part of ‘I’m not at liberty’ did you not understand? Oh, and I hate your blog by the way. All that muttering about with your whole ‘This is awful, I’m so dumb, blah blah blah.’ Anyway, we shall begin invasion procedures shortly.
Alan: Yes, uh…thanks. But can you not give us just a few more reasons why our species should be wiped out?
Nievili: Look, I know you can’t possibly fathom the complexity of the situation so I’ll just give you enough reasons so that you can be glad your impending doom is nigh. Are you ready for those reasons?
Alan: Yes, please, Bringer of our Necessary End.
Nievili: Alright, besides the Kardashians, those of your species that have brought about your destruction are, in no particular order, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, Johnny Manziel, and Tom Hanks.
Alan: What? Tom Hanks? I agree with the others, but not Tom Hanks, he’s a saint. Why him?
Alan: Oh yes, I had forgotten that one. So what must we do to prepare for your glorious invasion?
Nievili: First, you must turn in all your cats. They must be presented to us so we may grant them the power they so richly deserve.
Alan: Cats? Why cats. What about our weapons? You know, things that go “Pow!” “Bang” and “Kaboom?”
Nievili: Those? Oh, they are useless. The projectiles are no match for our shields and provide no purpose other than to make you putrid earth people feel good about yourselves…much like Kathy Lee Gifford. As for cats, they have been our secret agents for years. They were sent to invade your homes, pee on your walls and mark the areas necessary for colonization. They are all to be made official rules on our behalf.
Alan: I knew those darn animals were evil, I just KNEW IT! Oh well, I suppose that’s it then. Guess I’ll just go and collect my things…wait a second, what is that under your chin? It’s a damn mask. Who are you! Gimme that stupid mask!
Guess we’ll just have to remain until the real overlord arrives…speaking of…I think I need to call my wife and see what she wants me to do when I get home. I can guarantee I’ll neither…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
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