SSSSend Me Home!

snake 1

This is an open letter to the World Wide Herpetologists Association. I get it, I’m annoying. I may not take our collective love affair with all things slithering so seriously, but I hold our fascination with Eve’s weakness with no less adoration. I admit that my attitude towards our science can be somewhat cavalier but please, please, let me come back home!

snake 2             It’s been seven years since my now-regrettable short-sightedness forced the closure of the “Boas for the Blind” and the “Cobras for Kids” programs that I singlehandedly initiated and brought into fruition, as well the effort to make “Bring Your Asp to Work Day” a global reality. Since the WWHA’s decision to send me to Ireland, I view my scientific knowledge is being horribly wasted.

Since my arrival, I have been getting all the sneers and finger pointing that one would expect if one were perhaps selling snake oil…oh, sorry…or faerie dust. I have been asked to leave from more establishments here in Ireland than I care to admit and if I hear one more thing about this St. Patrick, I’m going to go absolutely crazy. Why not one of you would tell me there were no snakes in Ireland I cannot possibly fathom. Who ever heard of a place without snakes? Who would want to live in a world where there was not the slightest possibility of being bitten and envenomed by a serpent? Nowhere I want to remain a second longer, I say!

Sure, it took seven years to finally catch on to the WWHA’s attempt to rid itself of my talents, but now I can see clearly. Yes, it took me a while to catch on. I kept hearing that people in one pub or another had seen a snake and I’d come running. What did I find? The viewer in question was either passed out, or wished to show me something that was definitely not a true Serpentes.

snake 3              Then the impressive joke at my expense along with the kindly mad gentleman from the ISAFUC, which I later found out stood for I Saw A Freakin’ Unicorn Conglomerate. There’s a bit of information that would have been nice to have prior to my spending half of the snake money I had left on that monkey head scepter I was told I had to have for the occasion. And I don’t know what I needed to wear a dress for, being a guy and all. But now I see it all for what it was, a further effort to keep me from joining the WWHA, where I truly belong.

snake island              Please, please WWHA, let me back into the fold. I promise you, no more snakeskins in your salad or Coral Snakes in bags of Skittles. I’ve learned my lesson, I swear. I’ll even take the gig to that island off of Brazil. You know, that lighthouse job, with a snake three snakes every two meters and no waiting? I’ll gladly accept that reassignment. So please write me back with your decision. I’ve got a lot of time on my hand, it seems. The only good thing is that I’m attending a dinner tomorrow where a traditional Irish potato dinner will be served. Supposedly the Irish recipe dates back to 1847. I’ll skip breakfast and lunch so I’m extra hungry for it.

Until next time,

Be Good or Be Good At It!

Published by Alan Reese

Greetings blog wanderers and seekers of truth, or whatever truth appears to be from the mind of a warped individual. You have reached the inner sanctum of some guy named Alan. Having graduated college sometime shortly after the Earth cooled, he finds himself in his late 30's and working out in the real world. His humor is dry and his outlook not so serious and somehow has picked up the nasty habit of writing about himself in the third person. He is married with child and loves his family, sports and, of course, his beloved video games...likelihood of his growing up? Not good. Are you an established site or magazine looking for a writer? Drop me a line if you are interested.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: