Let’s face it, flying is awful. Granted, flying through the air in an airplane is slightly better than flying towards the ground without the benefit of an airborne vehicle, but only slightly. The lines, the cost, the security procedures, the hassle of managing carry-on luggage, the realization that you are effectively giving God the finger by doing something you were never intended to do making you paranoid as heck, all contribute to an overall abhorrent experience that, sadly, is a necessary evil for some of us. There are, however, ways to at least try to make light of the situation once you find yourself up in the air with a couple hundred of your closest friends.
Identify Yourself as an Air Marshal
When the plane as reached cruising altitude, stand up and announce to everyone that you are an air marshal and that you are watching everyone. Then speak into an imaginary microphone located on the collar of your jacket. Be sure to eyeball each and every person on the plane, especially children. They love being scared.
Avail Yourself of the Emergency Procedure Card
You know that card in the front of your seat that outlines the efforts that would ultimately prove futile should an actual emergency arise? Make it known to all that can see you that you are actively reviewing each and every step of the evacuation procedure. Ask many, many questions to the stewards and stewardesses. They adore being challenged to remember and repeat the minutest detail of the escape plan destined to not work.
Demand Your Complimentary Peanuts
Sure, some airlines actually charge for the 6.5 peanuts conveniently stored in a package you must use your teeth to open, but demand them nonetheless. Eventually you will be given them and when you are, be sure to identify yourself as someone suffering from a severe peanut allergy and are very sensitive about being handed an instrument of great harm to your personal being. Even if the staff get mad at your, it will comfort your fellow passengers to know that the staff is firmly aware that such an allergy exists.
Profess to Know a Vital Secret
Immediately and repeatedly attempt to explain to those around you that you know what that indentation is on the arm of your seat (SPOILER: Back in the old days you could smoke on planes and that’s where the ashtray used to be). Proceed to accuse the airline and its personnel of trying to hide the truth from everyone on board and insist that the truth must be heard!
Be a Color Commentator
Many airlines offer you the ability to hear the conversations between pilots on your plane and the air traffic controllers on the ground. These are exceedingly boring conversations because the bulk of them are actually just one ATC worker handing you off to another, but it is very important information that your fellow passengers need to know. Feel free to offer not only play by play but also color commentary on the goings on of each and every step of your flight. They will thank you for it.
Conveniently Forget Your Overhead Luggage
You know how sometimes when you are watching your favorite sport and are happy when there is overtime because you can’t get enough? Flying is the same thing. Just because you landed and taxied to the gate doesn’t mean the flight has to end. Be the first to unbuckle your seat belt and leap up to get to your overhead luggage. Once you find that there is a long line of people in back of you, keep searching the overhead bin for your luggage even though it’s in front you. Believe me, the passengers behind you will recognize that you are just trying to make sure they have the longest flying experience possible. They will love you for it!
The next time you are flying, just incorporate some or all of these helpful hints. And if, for some strange and incomprehensibly weird reason someone stops you or you become detained, just tell them you were trying to…
Be Good or Be Good At It!
Disclaimer: The preceding was just a joke…seriously, don’t be a dumbass. I mean I suppose you could if you really wanted to, but truly you’ll just end up looking like an idiot. Is that really what you want? Come on, your mother and I raised you better than this. Remember when you just HAD to tell that Princess Di joke in front of the British minister. How did that turn out, huh? Your mother and I are still not allowed to go to the consulate. Truly, you are an embarrassment. Were it not for all that booze and the glue sniffing you probably wouldn’t even be here. So go ahead try the funny man’s tips. See where it get’s you. Typical.